


Linger

by elphiemolizbethbau



Series: Stay [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, Enthusiastic Consent, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Sequel, repressed sexuality
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-16 17:42:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29704242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elphiemolizbethbau/pseuds/elphiemolizbethbau
Summary: Many years after Alex proposes to Olivia, the happy couple finally are finally given the opportunity to marry. But there are more changes coming down the pike, and not all of them are expected. Follow-up to Stay. Trigger warnings apply.
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Alexandra Cabot
Series: Stay [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2182869
Comments: 17
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.
> 
> Hi everyone! Sorry for the long hiatus. I have finally found the time to write and post the first chapter of the follow up to Stay. This takes place in season 13 and will be a short sort of epilogue/follow up to the original story. I currently have just a few chapters planned, but that could change. This is just a short introduction. If you haven't read Stay, I would recommend you do that first.
> 
> I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.

Linger

Chapter 1

"Baby, I don't think any of the junior ADAs will be able to handle this case. But you—sweetie, you could win it."

The Sex Crimes Bureau Chief inhaled deeply, pinching the bridge of her nose. "You have too much faith in me, Olivia," Alex sighed, sitting down on the bed next to her fiancée. "Some cases are just not winnable."

"I know," the older woman conceded, sitting next to the blonde and clapping a hand over her knee. "All I'm asking is that you go interview this vic with one of the detectives tomorrow. Hear her story. And then I'll respect whatever decision you make."

"I just don't want to put her through hell for a jury to invalidate her further." Liv leaned in to rest her forehead against the attorney's, giving her a meaningful look and letting the silence last for several seconds. "Which detective? Please tell me it's not Stabler two-point-oh."

The senior detective rolled her eyes and nudged her partner affectionately. "No, Amaro's not ready to interview vics on his own. He's got a lot to work through first. I was going to send the other new detective I told you about—Rollins."

Alex tilted her head to the side with a knowing smile. So that's what Liv was getting at. "Why do I have a feeling my date with Rollins tomorrow is about more than the Lily Pendergrass case?"

"She read your book, sweetie. She knows your story. And you build rapport with survivors so easily," Detective Benson rationalized, extending her arms out towards her partner, who had stood up to retrieve the laundry basket.

The younger of the two shook her head, kneeling on the bed in preparation to fold some clothes. "I learned that from you, Liv. If she said something to you that makes you think she was assaulted on the job, that's your conversation to have with her." Olivia bit her lip, nodding and reaching out for the other woman. It had been weeks since she'd arrived home and shared Rollins's words—"something happened to me on the job…something not worth pursuing"— with the woman she loved, something she doubted the ethicality of but couldn't stop herself from doing. Alex was her anchor, and some things just couldn't stay at the station. The lawyer tossed some folded sweatpants off to the side along with the laundry basket, ridding the bed of the obstacles in their way, and crawled over the king-sized bed to meet her soon-to-be wife in her quest for contact, cradling a tan cheek in her hand, her thumb brushing delicately over the soft skin. "I have no problem with being friendly, but she's your detective, honey. She needs to know she can talk to you, especially since it seems like that's what you want from her."

Olivia squeezed her waist, ducking her head to press a kiss to the exposed skin of Alex's shoulder. It was hot for early October, and the blonde tended to wear as few articles of clothing as possible in the apartment unless it was the dead of winter. "I know this isn't your responsibility. I just don't think I could live with myself if I found out something had happened, and she didn't feel like she could tell anyone or ask for help. She has a lot of potential, and I don't want her to crash and burn."

Cabot bracketed her partner's face with both hands, lifting it upwards in order to initiate eye contact. "I love you, Olivia Benson. And I need you to remember that you're only a person. An extremely capable, good person, yes, but you can't be responsible for everyone's healing. You're not responsible for my healing, for Rollins's healing, for anyone's. All you can do is be there. And you're pretty amazing at that."

The next morning, Alex found herself shaking the trembling hand of the younger blonde, offering her a gentle smile as Liv introduced them. "Ms. Cabot, it's really nice to meet you. Your work on the D'Agostino case informed a recent investigation in my old squad."

She was already trying to make a good impression. The prosecutor remembered what it felt like to have to put on a show every time she met a new person. It was excruciatingly exhausting, and all she wanted was to put the woman at ease. "Oh, yeah? That's good to hear."

"Mhm." Rollins worried her lower lip, crossing her ankles and curling somewhat protectively into herself. Alex sensed that she had more in common with the detective in front of her than she'd initially imagined. "I also went to a TED Talk by Dion Martinez about a year ago. He's a great public speaker."

"That, I've heard before. I'm glad he's found purpose. And call me Alex. Please." Amanda nodded, chuckling awkwardly. "You ready to go? Lily's going to meet us at the DA's office."

"Yes." Rollins cleared her throat, stepping on her own toes to ground herself. "Right." She nodded again. "Yes, okay."

"Meet you back here later?" the Bureau Chief asked of her partner, effectively bringing her back into the conversation.

"I'll be here." Olivia gave the other woman a smile, making the decision to offer her a quick peck on the lips since it was just them and Rollins in the hallway by the elevators, and the younger detective clearly already knew about their relationship. They generally behaved professionally when they were around each other at the station or at the DA's office, but every once in a while, they felt an affectionate hello or farewell was warranted.

The interview went well, and Alex was sufficiently comfortable with her decision to file formal charges against Lily's ex-boyfriend. Amanda had been struck by how at ease the older woman seemed, asking such probing questions in a way that made them feel less confronting.

"I can tell you've been doin' this a while," the detective observed once Lily had left. "You carry yourself so well, like none of this bothers you."

"Oh, it definitely bothers me." Alex filed some paperwork away in her briefcase. "I hear stories like hers and it genuinely makes me want to vomit. No one deserves to be treated like that. I guess I just…know what makes me feel safe. It took me a while to perfect the formula though."

"Yeah, I'm still workin' on mine," the younger of the two admitted. "Good to know I have hope."

"You absolutely do," Alex promised. "You did great today. Olivia says you have lots of SVU experience. Why are you second-guessing yourself?"

"You do know how to ask the hard questions."

Cabot sat back down in the chair across from the other woman, sighing. "Look. Amanda—can I call you Amanda?" Rollins nodded, crossing her legs. "I know we just met. But the most important thing I've learned is that it's not about the image you present to the world. These crimes rub you raw. You won't be able to keep up a façade forever. I've decided not to even attempt it anymore. I genuinely care for the survivors we work with. I imagine so do you. That's what matters to them."

There were a few beats of silence, and then Amanda piped up, regretting it instantly. "I read the preview of your book."

"Oh?" The look on Alex's face wasn't entirely readable, and so the younger blonde panicked.

"Olivia said you'd given your blessing. I hope that was okay."

Cabot smiled. "Yeah, absolutely. I wrote it to inform, so..." Alex had already known that Amanda Rollins read her book, but she hadn't been expecting the other woman to bring it up so readily.

"I really enjoyed it," Rollins confessed, wringing her hands together anxiously. "Excited to read the final version when it comes out. Olivia seems to think it's gonna be a huge contribution to the literature."

Some relaxed laughter left Alex's lips as a loving smile appeared on them. The older woman hyped her up constantly, regardless of whether or not there was merit. "I know she does, but she may be just a little biased."

"I actually had a question—if that's okay." She waited for a nod before continuing. "Why is it called 'Stay'? And why is it written in the third person?"

"Those are two questions."

"Okay, well, I had two questions."

"Well," Alex sighed, "the first question has a more simple answer than the second. The significance is twofold. Trauma stays with you. But when you have support and resources to heal, so does hope. As far as why it's in the third person, I needed to separate myself from it just a little, like an omnipotent narrator, to get it all out. And of course most of the names and some of the details are changed for privacy. I'm actually in the process of changing it to first person, making it just a little less explicit in some parts, but that's slow going."

Debating the wisdom of her next comment, Amanda went for it anyway. "I actually think it adds to the rawness of if all, it being explicit. You know, you're not sugar-coating the struggles; why should you censor the victories?"

"Liv agrees. But I did mostly write out the nitty gritty for my own processing. So, she's on board with whatever I want to do. She's been really supportive about it all."

Amanda made one more decision to be honest with the romantic partner of the woman she'd been looking up to for years, since before Patton even entered her life. "She's kinda my hero."

Alex had heard that before, but she genuinely believed Rollins. Which is why she wanted to encourage a healthy working relationship between the two women. "She's my hero too. Also, she's not as intimidating as she seems. I used to be afraid of her too when we first met. She's so powerful, so sure of herself. And she is the most compassionate person I have ever met. She was just struggling with a lot of change when you first started, and don't tell her I told you this, but she feels awful about not being very welcoming on your first day."

A knock on Alex's office door interrupted Amanda's reply. It was the attorney's secretary. "I'm so sorry to interrupt, but Alex, there's a woman wandering around downstairs that says she's your mother."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.
> 
> So, I'm thinking…maybe ten chapters? Let me know if there's anything you want to see!
> 
> Additional trigger warnings for mentions of child abuse and homophobia, as well as gaslighting.
> 
> I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.

Linger

Chapter 2

"Mother, what the hell are you doing here?"

The tall woman with salt and pepper hair turned to face her estranged daughter, responding to her fiery questioning. "I wanted to see you, Alexandra."

"A call would have been nice, Mother. I'm at work. I can't do this now." Alex shook her head, preparing to abandon her mother in the hallway and go back to the eighth floor. "You know what? I can't do this at all. This is not fair!" She jabbed a finger into her chest, keeping her voice quiet in order to avoid spectators.

"Alexandra." Jean Cabot's voice was soft, but it was patronizing in a way that made the ADA's lungs seize. "I have so much I want to say to you. Isn't there anything you want to say to me?"

The blonde wished desperately the honest answer to her mother's inquiry was no. But she knew it wasn't. She knew that ever since her realization that the "conversion therapy" in the chapel had been planned in advance, she would never be satisfied until she had the answer to the question that haunted her, plagued her near daily, never let her rest. "Actually, yes. I do." Quickly, she unlocked the door to a conference room, ushering the older woman inside before leaning against the closed door, protectively crossing her arms around her chest. This could very well be her only chance to find out the truth. "Did you know?"

"Know what?"

Alex couldn't tell if her mother was playing dumb or if she was actually that clueless. "Pastor Paul. Did you know he was going to rape me?"

Jean clicked her tongue at her like she did when she'd use the Lord's name in vain as a child. "No, sweetheart. I never would have let that happen if I knew. I didn't know until after."

"When?" the attorney interrogated, struggling to hold back tears. She hated confrontation, and her mother was getting closer to her now as she spoke, and there was nowhere for Alex to go. She'd backed herself quite literally into a corner. But she wanted to know the specifics, and she wasn't going to defer to her elders any longer. Without her father present, she knew her physical safety was assured. "When did you realize? When I came home limping with torn clothes? When Dad made you bleach my bedsheets? When I started wetting the bed at eleven-years-old? When I stopped wearing dresses and started refusing to go to the doctor? Because unless you didn't know until _right this moment_ , Mother, there is no excuse for what you did to me."

"There's the hurricane," Jean observed, almost affectionately. "Alexandra, darling, I didn't do anything to you."

"But you did, Mom." Alex's resolve began to waver. It made her feel so helpless, but she wanted Liv to be there with her. Liv would know what to say. Would hold Jean accountable for her vicious gaslighting. "You let me believe that I _deserved_ it. And then when Tammy hurt me, you let me believe that I deserved that too. But love. Compassion. Safety. Boundaries. You made me believe that I didn't deserve any of that."

"The audacity. I didn't come here to be accused of being a bad mother, Alexandra."

"Oh my God, Mom. Do you hear yourself? You weren't invited here. You're a manipulator. Everything you've said has been about you. You, you, you," she repeated. "You came here to make yourself feel better. Everything is about you. You've had no power in your life, and for that, I am sorry, but you don't get to exert control over me to nurse your wounds anymore. I'm not a helpless child."

"What would Olivia think of you saying that, Alexandra?" Jean asked slowly, digging the knife in. "I'm a victim too. I've always loved you, and you've never given me any credit for trying."

What _would_ Olivia think, Alex asked of herself, suddenly fearing that she was being a huge hypocrite. Jean wasn't wrong to call herself a victim, but—she continued internally, her partner's likely response smoothing over the jagged nerve endings that had her on the edge of complete panic—she _was_ wrong to use being a victim against Alex. Before she could reply, Jean continued. "You were always wild. How does Olivia keep you in check?"

Though she had been craving her fiancée's presence in the preceding moments, the Bureau Chief was suddenly incredibly grateful she wasn't present to hear Jean's words. They would have cut the brunette deep, as any accusation or slight suggestion that she would hold any power over the woman she loved still triggered the detective in a way that took a significant amount of time and effort to resolve. Nausea spread through Alex with each _thump-thump_ of her racing heart. "Olivia is good to me, Mom. In a way you'll never even be able to imagine."

"But you're...in a sexual relationship."

What point was the elder Cabot trying to make? "We're just like any other couple."

"But you're not," she commented, her tone laced with judgement. "Like other couples."

"Did you decide to show up at my work after almost ten years just to berate me about being gay? Because whatever you have to say, Mother, I can assure you I've heard it before, and I can take it."

_But you shouldn't have to._ The reminder reverberated around her, bathing her in warmth. Alex had power, she reminded herself. She could walk away at any point.

Sighing deeply, Jean sat in a chair at the roundtable, looking up at her daughter. "You know your father always treated me badly. It was hard to say or do something that went against him."

"Well, he's not here now, Mother." Alex wasn't going to let her off the hook. If Jean was so adamant that Wilbur stopped her entirely from expressing her own opinions, then the lawyer was happy to give her an opportunity to prove it. "So, go ahead. Tell me. Tell me I didn't deserve what Pastor Paul did to me. Tell me that Tammy raped me and that was not okay. Tell me there's nothing wrong with the fact that I'm a lesbian, and tell me that you're happy that I'm in a healthy relationship with a woman I love very much."

"I'm still working on all that, I have to be honest."

Alex grit her teeth, clenching her fists. "That's not good enough."

"Well, I just…I want to be in your life, darling. I'm not getting any younger." At her daughter's silence, Jean continued to speak. "I read about the engagement. And the book. I just didn't want to waste any more time before I reached out. Do you think I could come to the wedding?"

Alex physically couldn't prevent the sardonic laughter that escaped her throat at the question. "You don't get to do this. You don't get to ambush me and try to hijack my life. I have to protect Olivia from Dad, and I'm not sorry for that. You don't get to swoop in and ignore the last thirty years. You said you heard about the book. Plot twist—you're not the hero of the story, Mother. But I'm sure you know that already."

"No, I know the hero is Olivia." She allowed a second of quiet. "Right?"

"No. Olivia is the reason I wanted to get better at first, sure, but I did the work and I did it for me. I'm the hero. And I'm not," she decided, waving her hands wildly in the air, "I'm not going to let you or Dad jeopardize that."

"Alexandra, your father is dead."

* * *

"How's wedding planning?" Fin asked Olivia when they crossed paths in the break room.

Liv took a gulp from her third coffee of the day, sighing with a small smile. "It's good. I never thought I'd get to plan my wedding, so it's certainly a bit surreal."

"And what about Alex?" Fin pulled a slim jim out of the snack cabinet. "I know parties aren't really her thing."

The younger of the two detectives nodded in agreement. "They're not," she chuckled. "But I think she's enjoying it. At least she says she's enjoying it, and she isn't as good of a liar as she thinks she is." Olivia retrieved her phone from her pants pocket when it vibrated. "Speaking of the angel…She says she's not coming back. That she's just going to meet me at home. I wonder how the interview with Lily went. Have you seen Rollins?"

"Yeah, she was sittin' at her desk just now."

"Okay, I'm gonna go ask her."

When the front door opened that evening, Olivia raced to meet her partner, who had clearly been crying. She'd been unable to get in touch with her for the rest of the day, not for lack of trying. As soon as Amanda had told her that someone claiming to be Alex's mother had interrupted their meeting, Liv knew why the other woman planned not to come back to the station. She hated being around anyone other than Olivia when she felt vulnerable, but she especially didn't like being around cops if she was struggling to hold herself together.

Immediately, the brunette wrapped her arms around the younger woman, cradling her head against her shoulder as she let out a strangled sob. "He's dead."

"Wait, baby." Olivia pulled back a fraction of a foot, so she could see her lips as she spoke. "Who's dead?"

"My father." The detective's heart sank into her stomach. Alex's mother had shown up at the DA's office uninvited to announce that Wilbur had died. "He had cancer. Jesus, this is like Pastor Paul all over again. Why am I sad?"

It made sense to Benson. "You never got closure, sweetheart."

"I don't know—your right hook felt pretty final," she said, hiccupping. "I just have to accept that this is how I'm feeling for now. It's okay. I'm," she sighed shakily, "I'm okay."

"Good job," the older woman whispered, leaning in to kiss her fiancée's forehead. "Just breathe. Focus on what you know is true." She waited for the other woman's breathing to return to normal before asking her next question. "Hey. This is why your mother came to see you?"

Alex raised an eyebrow in speculation. Had a colleague seen the two women speaking heatedly in the hallway and made an assumption? Had someone called SVU? "How did you know my mother came to see me?"

"Rollins told me," the detective explained, smoothing over a pale cheek with two thumbs gingerly and humming softly. "I'm so sorry, baby."

The prosecutor worried her lower lip. "She wants to come to the wedding."

"She—what?"

Alex shook her head, grasping on to Liv's forearms to anchor herself to the present moment. "She's acting like the only thing that kept her from fully embracing me was him, but I know that's not true. I mean, I know he made it worse, but…she believes those things too. And she made me deal with Pastor Paul alone. I can't forgive her for that, honey, and if that makes me the bad guy, then I guess I'm the bad guy."

"You're not the bad guy." Olivia led the younger woman to the living room couch and gently removed her shoes. "Nothing says that you have to forgiver anybody, my love. You fought for this anger. You're allowed to feel it." The brunette settled on the couch next to her future wife, wrapping an arm securely around her and nuzzling her nose into flaxen hair, inhaling the sweet scent that was pure Alex.

"But am I giving up an opportunity to have a relationship with her?" Alex wondered.

"Sweetie, let me ask you this." She waited for Cabot to gesture for her to continue. "Al, do you honestly think you could ever have any kind of meaningful relationship with your mother?"

"No. I don't. There was just…too much betrayal. But maybe—maybe we could be civil. I might regret it one day if we're not. I mean, she is my mother."

"What are you needing right now, love?" Olivia asked gently. "Would you like some advice or just to feel validated?"

"Any chance you can pull off both?"

"Hmm." The experienced detective offered a comforting smile. "Baby, you—you have to make these decisions for your own life," Liv advised. "I will walk alongside you, whatever path you choose. And you should make the decision whether to speak to her again based on what you want and what you need." She interlaced their fingers, squeezing Alex's hand. "But my sweet, I have seen the pain that woman has caused you, her own pain notwithstanding, and you owe her nothing."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks again for reading friends! I hope everyone is doing well.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.
> 
> Trigger warning for internalized homophobia.
> 
> I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.

Linger

Chapter 3

Alex was sitting on the bed, going through bouquet arrangements when Olivia joined her, putting her hair up into a ponytail and cuddling into her future wife’s side. “Hi, my love.”

The attorney gave a halfhearted smile, offering her cheek for a kiss. “Hey, Liv,” she mumbled, shifting on the bed as she turned the page, not wanting to have to verbally tell her partner that she would like some space. She knew that after the week they’d had, Olivia would likely not let a verbal rejection go without a serious conversation, and Alex desperately wanted to avoid one.

She’d made the mistake of giving her mother her personal phone number—not because she wanted to attend the funeral Jean had told her about—but because she felt guilty not to. Mrs. Cabot had no other family to lean on, as Alex’s Uncle Bill had run for the hills years ago, desiring to get his children and grandchildren far away from the Cabots. Once again, Alex felt white hot shame bubbling up from within her, and so she’d scribbled down her cell number on a legal pad and had left it in the conference room with Jean before she’d exited.

Now the older woman was blowing up her phone, leaving messages, asking to meet Olivia—properly this time—and her friends, and the potential energy of the anxiety that always threatened to make itself known to the prosecutor turned entirely kinetic. She wanted to crawl out of her own skin, and she’d even been resisting Sandra’s attempts to snuggle with her and get some head scratches. The dignified feline was no longer in her prime, and she was content to spend her days curled up in her mothers’ arms. She preferred Alex’s warm embrace, but settled for Olivia in times like these.

Before she’d even climbed into the bed, the detective could tell that her fiancée was agitated by the way she picked up the cat and gently tossed her off the bed every time she attempted to sit on the book of floral arrangements, grumbling quietly to herself. Olivia knew that physical touch was Alex’s primary love language and hoped a little TLC would help her relax. So thinking she was just stressed—because Alex hadn’t been fully open about her mother being in contact—the brunette decided to lightly scratch her back and pepper a few kisses into her shoulder.

Liv’s attention was fully garnered when Alex obviously shrugged off the touch, tucking some hair behind her ear. "Baby, I am really not in the mood."

"I'm not trying to start anything, love,” the older woman told her, pulling slightly away but leaving her hand in a resting position over Alex’s shoulder blades. “Just want to help you decompress."

"I don't think that's even possible at this point." She shrugged again, influencing Olivia’s decision to cease all contact and scoot back to her side of the bed. This was very unlike Alex, and it went without saying now that the brunette was concerned. Sensing this, the blonde sighed. "It's not that I don't want to, I just...we've been so busy with work and the book and the wedding. And I'm just so tired.” She’d used that excuse before, and its reemergence made her cringe. “I haven't made us a priority, I know."

Holding on to hope that maybe Alex _was_ just tired, Olivia offered a solution they’d used in the past. "Kimani has told us over and over. There's nothing wrong with scheduling sex—if that's what you want to do."

Alex decided to allow Liv to be on the right track of the wrong issue because maybe her current disgust with herself would just pass in a few days, and maybe it would help if she just blocked her mother. No, that wouldn’t work. Jean knew where to find her, and Alex would never put it past her to just show up again. "I don't know what I want to do."

"Well, if you figure it out, I'm here. And if you don't, I'm still here." Alex nodded, but said nothing. "Those flowers are pretty."

"Yeah," Alex muttered absently.

"Hey, why don't you put that away for now?” Benson suggested softly. “Get some rest."

"It needs to be done by next week—and the guess list and the chairs and the colors and the down payment. I just can't wait until it's over." And there it was. The crux of the issue. Jean’s efforts to reenter her daughter’s life without offering any acceptance or regret whatsoever had reawakened Alex’s long-dormant drill sergeant. It had been years since he had really been of significance in Alex and Olivia’s life. But now Liv’s mere closeness to her triggered the voices of Pastor Paul and her father.

Olivia recoiled from the words as if she had been physically hurt. "Baby, it's our wedding."

An attempt at a kiss made Alex feel dirty.

A loving caress—no matter how innocent—released nausea in the pit of her stomach.

And looking at those stupid, stupid flowers made Alex wonder if she even deserved the right to call Olivia her wife.

It was all a reminder of what she’d lost as a child, and of what she hated that she still believed at times.

Looking into the now tearful eyes of her partner, Alex remembered why she’d resolved not to be honest with Olivia about why she’d been distant since the in-person conversation with Jean. The anguish on her features as her voice broke gripped the lawyer’s heart, and sob exploded out of her chest. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean, I didn't mean it like that. Of course I'm excited to marry you. Jesus, I…I can’t believe I said that. That’s not how I really feel, Liv. I love you so much. But my mother has been a bigger trigger than I thought."

Evidently so, the detective realized. Alex had been grappling with internalized homophobia for so long, but the younger woman was also incredibly deep into recovery. It was rare that Alex couldn’t turn down the critical voice inside her in order to hold Liv’s hand in public, introduce her as her fiancée, or enjoy sex with her. The brunette wished she had seen the signs of this days ago—when Alex started dodging a kiss to her lips or a teasing squeeze, or speaking openly about their wedding, or speaking openly, period. But she also reminded herself that it wasn’t her responsibility to read Alex’s mind. "Al, I am so sorry you’re dealing with this right now. I want to do what I can to help, but I can’t do that while you’re censoring yourself. I need you to be honest with me, Alex. I need you to come to me.”

Defensiveness sparked inside the prosecutor. “And I need you to stop acting like every time I’m triggered is a personal slight. I’m not trying to hurt you, Olivia. I’m trying to survive!” She threw the bedsheets off of herself and jumped from the bed, beginning to pace.

“This is not like you.” Liv didn’t mean to sound accusatory, but she absolutely did.

“Olivia, it’s exactly like me, babe.” Were they having a fight? This hadn’t happened ever really. They had heated discussions from time to time, but this wasn’t common for them at all. “Part of my shame around being gay includes going to you for support and using our relationship as a source of strength. Sometimes I literally _can’t_ come to you. You know that.” She went to leave the room, but her partner’s voice stopped her.

“You’re right. You’re right, Al. I just hate the thought that I ever feel like a dangerous place for you.” Alex nodded her head, turning around, and Liv continued. “It’s my problem. I’m mad at myself and projecting.”

“No, you have a point, baby.” Cabot’s heart melted and she couldn’t resist the need to be physically closer to Olivia. “I need to fight it harder. Focus on what I know is true. I just hate that I’m here again.”

“And that’s very valid. We both could have handled this better. But we can’t change the past. So do you think you can tell me more about what’s going on now? You don’t have to run from me. Okay? Remember, we survived the first year of our relationship and all that work. We can handle anything. But we have to communicate.”

“It’s like a circle of hell,” she commented. “I have to talk to you to feel safe, but I have to feel safe to talk to you. I—It’s not fair.”

“It’s not fair, Al. But I’m here. And I’m listening. Do you feel safe enough right now to share?”

"Well, I'm sitting here planning my lesbian wedding next to my lesbian fiancée who just tried to initiate lesbian sex. And I'm feeling very triggered. And the voice in my head right now making me feel pretty dirty isn't my own. I don't know what happened, but when you touched me, I just—” She inhaled shakily. “I haven't reacted to you like that in years."

"Oh, sweetie.” Olivia reached out hesitantly for Alex, a desperate need to comfort her overwhelming the detective’s senses. With a quivering lip and breathy cry, the younger of the two finally buried her face into Liv’s chest, gripping tightly onto her nightshirt.

“I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I said that.”

Waiting for any sign that Alex would let go and finding none, Benson eventually cradled the blonde’s skull against her, beginning to rock her slowly back and forth. This was the most physical contact they’d had with each other since the night Alex found out about her father’s death. “Come here. It's okay. Just breathe. There's nothing wrong with you."

“You feel like home,” Alex murmured against Liv’s now wet skin. “You feel like home and that still scares me sometimes. Like someone is going to take my home away from me.”

The first tears fell from the brunette’s eyes, and she squeezed the woman in her arms tighter, pressing a long kiss into her hair. “You _are_ my home, Alex Cabot. And neither of us is going anywhere.”

Sniffling, the attorney looked up at her fiancée, wiping away a few of her tears. “You still want to be my wife?"

“More than anything,” she whispered, her voice breaking.

“Forever and ever?”

“Forever.” Olivia kissed the tip of the other woman’s nose. “And ever.” Her eyes fell on Alex’s dry lips, and as the blonde noticed, she smiled, inhaling deeply, and she reminded herself that it was okay to be loved by this woman. She initiated the kiss herself, gripping onto the side of the cop’s face, and then Liv finished with one more “and ever,” pulling just far enough away to brush their noses affectionately against one another.

"So,” Olivia said softly after some time, “this is an example of why it's going to be important to be cautious about allowing your mother to be in your life in any capacity. This is a hard place for you to be in, and I don't want you to stay there."

"I know. And I'm feeling disconnected from you,” the younger woman admitted. “I hate it."

"Do you know when our next session with Kimani is?"

Alex thought for a moment. "Next Friday."

"Next Friday?” Reaching for the book of flowers and closing it, before deciding to store it somewhere out of Alex’s sight for the time being, Olivia addressed what they should do next. “Should I call tomorrow and see if we can get it moved up?"

“Maybe.” The prosecutor swallowed hard. What exactly was Liv getting at? "Are we...in crisis?"

"No, baby. I think we're okay. We just need to get back on the same page. You seem to be spinning though,” she added. “Do you have trauma therapy coming up?"

Alex shook her head. "I did for the last week in October, but I canceled it because of the grand jury for Lily's ex-boyfriend." A pregnant pause lingered between them. “I should reschedule it for as soon as possible, shouldn’t I?”

“Well, assuming we can get to Kimani’s in the next few days,” Olivia reasoned, offering her partner an outstretched hand and smiling when the gesture of support was accepted, “it may not be a good idea to have you do so much work with a therapist back-to-back. So, what is feeling more dire to you? Do you need to talk through what’s going on with your mother and father with Lindsey? Or would some guided discussion between us be more helpful for you?”

Though it had been many years, the couple continued to see Kimani monthly for maintenance, and Alex continued to see Lindsey quarterly and on an as-needed basis. She enjoyed working with the trauma therapist and didn’t want to go too long without discussing this trigger with her, but she didn’t know how much longer she could handle this shame surrounding Olivia. “I want to do both. But maybe Kimani first. I think if we can connect, I can get to a more stable place, and any work I do with Lindsey would be more productive.”

“Okay, well, let’s do that then. I’ll call the office in the morning, and after I have an appointment time, you can try to make one with Lindsey. Try not to push yourself too hard though, alright? We will get through this.”

“Oh, and the wedding deadlines. We’ll lose our date if we don’t get everything done.” She looked around for the flower book once again. “Where did you put—”

Olivia squeezed her hand again in order to regain her attention. “If we need to push back the wedding, that’s fine by me. I promise you that doesn’t mean I don’t want to get married. But planning the ceremony should be something special, and if you’re not in the mental place to enjoy it, then I don’t want to trigger you further by making you pick between gardenias and lilies right now, okay?”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Alex agreed, taking a deep breath. “It’s just a date. A legal stamp of validity can wait. You’re already my forever person.” The two women settled beneath the covers, and for the first time in three days, the blonde curled into the older woman. “Liv?”

“Yes, baby?”

“I really like the gardenias.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks for reading! Thoughts?

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Thank you for reading! I make no promises about my next update, but I'd love to hear your thoughts and questions/ideas/suggestions about what you think will/want to happen in this story.


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